A lot of stuff actualy. Today I spent a considerable amount of time in introspection.... I noticed some things about myself that weren't easy to swallow and, at the same time, I learned some really cool things too and decided to stop doing things the way I have been doing them once and for all.
Lets start with power... some people are truly very powerful people and just don't realize it. I, on the other hand, know how powerful I am and I have been choosing not to live that way because #1, it scares me to death and #2, I haven't wanted to make anyone else feel like they are smaller than me ( I do a pretty good job of playing the small part). I have always excelled at EVERYTHING I have ever attempted to do...I learn really fast and get bored very easily which is why I dropped out of high school not once, but twice! Not only did I get bored with school, I got bored with basketball, color guard, track..... you name it. I needed a challenge so I dropped out of school, got my GED without studying for it and enrolled myself in the community college. I wanted to be a psychologist. Not because I wanted to know what was wrong with everyone else, or the typical I wanted to know why "People do what they do" answer, but because I wanted to know why I was the way that I was. (that's a whole nother post!)
This I realized while driving my 3 year old to ballet this morning...I do most of my thinking while driving! LOL I have been playing the quiet, unimportant, just go with the flow roll for way too long and I am really tired of it! I am tired of being insignificant and being taken advantage of. I want to use my power, fullfill my purpose, do what I want to do and stop taking the back seat in my own life so that other people around me can fulfill their goals and dreams. My goals are important too! I want to paint, I want to open an art studio, I want to write the book I started writting 3 years ago, I want to open a shelter for homeless families...I want to make my own money, I want to go to shows, ballets, plays, art museums and movies and not be the one who always has to find the babysitter. I want to be able to do what I want to do and have the time and money to do it!
So, that is what I am going to do from this moment forward. I am no longer trapped in the mom/wife roll where I get to make sure everyone else is taken care of while forgetting about myself. I am reconnecting with me and it feels GREAT!
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You chose to have children. That was part of the deal! You will fulfill yourself in small ways while your children will suffer in the end. You cannot have two lives. You are either a Mom and a good one or a mediocre Mom. You will choose to fulfill "yourself" but someone else will suffer. Your season will come. You must be patient! There is nothing more fulfilling than having a posterity that carries on what a good Mom has taught!
Mary Davis
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